The 2024 Election Cycle – where Republican Primary Voters Get to Nominate the Candidate Who Sucks the Least

If People Were Angels, We Wouldn’t Need Government

Jun 05, 2023

President Donald J. Trump looks at diagrams and photos during his meeting with Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis Tuesday, April 28, 2020, in the Oval Office of the White House. (Official Photo by Shealah Craighead)

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the grand spectacle that is the 2024 Republican primary race! This is not your average political showdown; it's a whirlwind adventure filled with larger-than-life personalities, audacious policy proposals, and more drama than a reality show about leftists reading tweets they disagree with. Fasten your seatbelts, and get ready for a deep dive into the fascinating world of 2024 Republican politics!

Trump

Let's start with the frontrunner, the man who needs no introduction: Donald J. Trump. Love him or loathe him, there’s no denying that the former president still holds immense influence within the party. Trump has a fiercely loyal base, supporters who hang onto his every “truth” and rally cry, making it clear that he's a force to be reckoned with in this primary. His brash style, unconventional approach, and ability to live rent free in the media’s collective head forever changed the political landscape when he announced his first presidential bid in 2015.

Amidst the fervent fanfare, there are and have always been whispers, not to mention mouth-foamingly rabid roars, among some Republicans who question whether Trump is the best choice to take on the Democrats in the general election. It's a highwire—nay—a high-filament balancing act for primary voters as they weigh his indisputable popularity against potential electability concerns.

DeSantis

Now, let's turn our attention to the charismatic Governor of Florida, Ron DeSantis. This rising star has been making waves with his unapologetic conservative agenda and no-nonsense approach to governance. He's the kind of politician who exudes confidence and conviction, like a slick used car salesman who somehow convinces you that a station wagon is the epitome of cool. DeSantis has managed to cultivate a strong following among Republicans who see him as a potential rival to Trump's throne. But here's the twist: with a crowded field of candidates, DeSantis must carefully navigate the delicate dance of rallying anti-Trump sentiment without splitting the vote and inadvertently handing the nomination to the former president, a ship that this writer strongly believes not only sailed but traveled back in time and sailed before DeSantis became a national phenomenon. It's like trying to juggle flaming torches while walking on hot coals, chewing gum, and singing Barenaked Ladies’ “One Week” at the same time. Good luck, Ron!

Honorable Mentions

And, before anyone thinks I’m playing favorites—you don’t really think that, do you—let's not forget the other contenders hoping to catch lightning in a bottle. They're like the extras in a movie scene desperately trying to catch the eye of a casting director with eyes obsessively glued to the star. These are the dark horses, the underdogs who are determined to make their mark and shake up the race.

Think I’m being too rough? Let’s take a look at some polling. There are just so darn many! Where do I start?! Ah, well, okay here’s as good a poll as any from the Morning Consult. Okay, so it does include people who aren’t actually running, but I do believe this gives us a general idea of where the numbers tend to hover.

Category

Series 1

Donald Trump

Ron DeSantis

Mike Pence

Nikki Haley

Vivek Ramaswamy

Tim Scott

Liz Cheney

Greg Abbott

Kristi Noem

Asa Hutchinson

Someone else

Responses shown among potential GOP primary voters, who said they would vote for each of the above if the 2024 Republican primary or caucus were held in their state today.

Survey conducted May 26-28, 2023, among 3,485 potential Republican primary voters, with an unweighted margin of error of +/-2 percentage points.

By Eli Yokley

Analysis and Butt Covering

It's a mixed bag, my friends, filled with ambitious dreamers and battle-hardened veterans, all striving to become the chosen one who will carry the Republican torch in the general election. But, let’s face it; the only way Trump is not getting the nomination is if he buys the farm first. May the preceding sentence age like fine wine. Calm down, Trump supporters. By that I mean may he get the nomination ,not may he buy the farm!

In case I haven’t made my view clear in this and previous posts, not to mention Twitter, about how I think the race is shaping up, the two real contenders are Trump and DeSantis. I know; I know; I just got done saying there are no real contenders. Trump is ahead by what in politics amounts to astronomical numbers, but I have to leave myself some wiggle room to save face if I turn out to be wrong in my near certainty of Trumps primary win. Yeah, my inconsistency is completely self-serving. So I’m getting a little nervous about looking stupid. Wouldn’t you?

Why Trump Sucks

Don’t worry. I’ll rag on DeSantis next, but first: Trump’s mouth is famously a magnet for insane outrage. Some of what he says really is cause for offense. A few days ago in an attempt to attack DeSantis, he actually defended Andrew Cuomo, the NY Democratic governor who famously ordered nursing homes to take COVID-infected patients and caused the deaths of thousands upon thousands of them, simply because DeSantis didn’t immediately buck the COVID narrative in Florida. It was an epic moment of mudslinging, easily the most insensitive thing I’ve ever heard come out of Trump’s mouth. This is the problem. Trump’s policies are not the issue. Many of his comments are red flags in terms of the general election and don’t bode well for his ability to win over voters who aren’t already going to vote for Biden regardless. You know the ones. They’d vote for the rotting carcass of a roadkill slug before they’d vote for a dirty fascist like…well…anyone with an R next to their name.

Why DeSantis Sucks

Strap in for a wild ride through the tangled web of Ron DeSantis' associations. Prepare yourself for a journey into the depths of the swamp, where he finds himself rubbing elbows with establishment Republicans like Bush and Cheney.

First, let's talk about that alligator logo on DeSantis' campaign site. A simple image meant to represent his home state of Florida, right? Well, it didn't take long for Twitter users to start mocking it and labeling him a "swamp creature." Quite the ironic twist, considering Donald Trump's famous pledge to "drain the swamp." The choice of that logo raised eyebrows and led to questions about DeSantis' alignment with the establishment. I think that’s a ridiculous inference to make over a coincidence, but I’m just a no-name Substacker. What do I know?

But wait, there's more. It seems the Bush family has a peculiar interest in DeSantis' campaign. Political analyst Mark Simone boldly claimed that the Bushes are helping run his presidential campaign, with Karl Rove, the mastermind behind George W. Bush's successful campaigns, reportedly advising DeSantis. It's like a political family reunion, where the ghosts of past administrations come back to haunt us, only no one wakes up on Christmas morning relieved not to have died.

It gets worse! Let’s not forget about DeSantis' alleged wavering support for Trump's "America First" agenda. Some critics have accused him of fighting against President Trump's policies during his time in Congress, which doesn't sit well with the millions of die-hard Trump supporters, who understandably see his congressional record as a betrayal of Trump’s vision for the country and a red flag big enough to block out the sun.

Putting aside the alligator logo fiasco as a childish knee-jerk reaction, it’s not hard to see how the Bush family connections and the alleged opposition to Trump's agenda contribute to the growing skepticism and criticism surrounding his political journey. Whether you're a fan or a critic, an objective and logical, if slightly superficial, evaluation of these associations definitely raises some eyebrows and valid questions about the true nature of Ron DeSantis' political identity.

Stop This Race – I Wanna Get Off!

Now, let's talk about the herculean task facing Republican primary voters. We hold the power to shape the future of the party and ultimately decide which candidate sucks the least. It's a daunting responsibility that requires careful consideration, a good sense of humor, and maybe even a magic eight ball if you’re really desperate, not to mention six years old. We must navigate through a colorful array of candidates, each with their own strengths, weaknesses, and baggage. We collectively find ourselves caught between the rock of loyalty to the past and the hard place of a desire for a fresh face, between sticking with the tried and true or embracing a new vision for the party's future.

Ideally, primary voters must consider a candidate's ability to unite the party, appeal to the broader base of voters in the general, and withstand the merciless, malicious onslaught of attacks from the opposition. We must balance our own ideological preferences with the need for electability. It's a high-stakes game, and the Trump and DeSantis camps both agree wholeheartedly on one point: The American experiment is teetering with safe, solid ground on one side and a black, bottomless abyss on the other. Now if we can only set our differences aside after the primary to rally behind the eventual nominee and pay attention to the real enemy!

A Call for Walking the Talk

Tim Pool, a man I admire for his tireless pursuit of truth, relentless logic, and willingness to call a spade a spade even if everyone else calls it a club and tries to beat him over the head with it, is fond of saying what I’m about to say. Vote in the primaries! This is not the time to break out the popcorn. There’ll be plenty of time for that if Biden loses 2024. If you truly feel strongly about making sure Trump bags the nomination, even if you think it’s no contest, vote in the primary. If you’re so sure a Trump nomination would seal our doom, vote in the primary. In fact, your camp should come out in greater numbers because Trump is kicking serious butt in the polls. Either way, be an actor. Heck, be a stuntman! Don’t sit in the audience. Vote in the primary! Even if the candidates do suck, they’re only human.